Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
