Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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