I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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