idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize