It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
