a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
