ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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