ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
