we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
