I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
