I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
