My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
