No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
pop tarts are not kleenex
He passed out mid-signature
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
