Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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