are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
