there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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