I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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