cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
