Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
