somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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