So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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