so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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