Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize