And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
