Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
