oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
