Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
