And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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