it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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