So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
