it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
