I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Holy shit dude........stairs
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
