I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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