When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
