so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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