Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
its liver damage thursday
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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