At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
