Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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