Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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