He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
