I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My vagina is officially offended.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
