dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
