I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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