it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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