I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
