I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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