Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
