i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
