does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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