i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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