We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
