my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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