i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
