How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
