Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
