I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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