shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
