Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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